Tuesday, 21 May 2013


I am telling you…deep sleep is the most comfortable time you have ever in life. There are no pains or worries to embrace, and your ever lingering ‘self’ or your tumbling world is completely forgotten.

Many times I have wander why God is so kind and unkind to mankind. Why is He so paradoxical?  Between each day of sufferings, he had placed a night for comfort. I hate daylights. The daylight sun vaporizes the dew drops and soaked the green leaves dry. It chases away the crawling and flying creatures at dawn. I have seen birds and snakes, which enjoys security and comforts during nights, but hurrying away with insecurity and discomforts during daytimes.

 Moon beams are soft and the mixing of moonlight with the green trees of the nights expose an abstract colour of comforts of reality. Strange calling creatures crawl out of their holes and calls out in rhymes.

Night brings sleep. And then I am just gone in sleep and abode a long gone happy moments. I see myself cuddle by my long gone father and I rest in his strong arms, knowing that they are the strongest arms in the whole universe. I see the wrinkles on his face, and I can smell his smells on the shirt and trousers he wears most of the time; I can touch him and feel him.

Someone who is wide awake says that I talk in my sleep and she smiles at me, envying me, but refraining herself from disrupting my unparalleled bliss.  Unknowingly, I tilt my body and sleep on the other side of my body because I am so much in pain with my arthritis and my joints are burning in pains. I shout out in pain, but for once and in real, I never actually feel these pains.

In my painful world enveloped thickly by my comfortable-slumber world, I play with my already dead brother and he is still very small. We two are planning to go fishing, and busy making fish hooks and catching earth worms. Above us, we see papaya trees full of papayas and the pig shed and the two of us in their underneath. But we never know that they are also actually there because we two are so busy with our hooks and I scold my brother because he don’t know much about fishing hook. Eventually, I realized that we never go to fishing but found myself landing up on a grassy lane, and the grasses are all wet. And I am all alone in the wets. I chase grass hoppers and dragon flies in the dusk and moon beam coherent down on trees and shrubs and they started changing into abstract colours. And as I always know, I can see my father with his bicycle beckoning me to come to him, as it is late already and time to take rest. But my minds fight whether to still chase the insects or to go to my father.

Abruptly, I am awakened by the sound of the alarm.

I start off for my work. Along the walk towards, I can sense people watching me, of course, with odd feelings. I know that my walking postures have become strange, strange enough to catch eyes. I am another man with difficulties and their playful eyes happen to catch me easy enough. But it is not for long. The moment they takes their eyes off me, and catch another more interesting glimpse, off I go away from their gaze and fleeting minds.

The fact is no one really cares to know what is really hidden in what one is observing. No one really cares to know. And this is in daylight.

Meanwhile, for me, every step I took, and every twist my body make was accompanied by pains. And the pains are so deep rooted with hidden meanings that even modern medicines and technologies cannot provide me any remedy. And so I walk, towards my office, with these hidden meanings, of which no one really care to know, but so lingering and inseparable from me.

Of course, like these people who gaze at me, and forget me, I also watch at people with difficulties---severed limbs, or crawling people, or lepers, yet trying to survive. I admire them but only for fleeting seconds. The real “self” of me is too important that the thoughts about them are cast-off. And off I reside back to my own sufferings and pains. All alone. And all in daylight.

Every man is the same yet so different. And “Self” is a lingering phenomenon that does so. Self separates us as much as it unites us.  Some are so comfortable that nothing is ticking except comforts and they seek for more. Some, on the other hand, are so healthy that submission to pains or fragilities was just foolish, and lead a healthy but irreconcilable life.  While some are in so much pains that, behind every smiles, behind every walks, or behind every blinks, are something marked, unsatisfactorily. But all these differences tangle us up to make each one of us the citizen of this world. And they have resulted in different ideologies, beliefs, cultures or methods.

Perhaps, everything about us and beliefs is governed by the “self”.

I weigh each and every “self” that inflicts mankind-----“Self” desire for richness, glamour, beauty, fortune, fate, destiny, godsend and then “self” suffering in poverty, desperation, chronic illness and pains. I just seem to find fewer meanings in them all. Perhaps, I find nothing worthwhile in them all.

I just don’t know why I have to wake up from my sleep.

May be, in a daylight, pains are fruitful solvents for deeper thoughts. Or rather painful thoughts. And that seems to happen to me all along my way to office this morning. Many thoughts come to me----like the blessing in being able to run or walk, climbing or manual works. I kind of feel a sense of adorability to these things even though I don’t have them for more than 12 years now. But I don’t seem to miss them much. I miss more of my peaceful sleep.

For 12 years now I suffered pains. Every day, for 12 years now I measured not on how much I can do more, but on how much my pain has handicapped me more. It has brought so much severity to the chapters in my life that they changed all the other chapters I wished to live or write about. It has put me into another entirely different chapter which seemed something else. Yes! It is really something else. It is living a life of which most people could not really understand. It is a life of captivity of a free mind that is devoid by physical immobility and pains. Like jailors who are trapped within the limits of a four walled rooms, I am trapped. And my four walls are shrinking with every passing moments. One bad thing about being in captivity of which you can do nothing about is that you are not promising and dangerous any longer. Daylight is of no much help. And you cannot just get use to them.

But, I really get use to deep sleep. The solutions to all my problems would be there. 12 years of my pains is shortened by a night in between every crawling day.

Often I used to ask why God created daylight.

I want to go to a realm where all these sense of touches and feelings are just a dream. I want to dream this painful life away.

I want to sleep. And I don’t want to wake up again.

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